I’m back on the case, after spending countless hours in a special hell known as “DTI training.” DTI, for what it’s worth, is a newspaper production software whose initials, I suspect, stand for “Don’t Touch It.” (Which would have been good advice for Rep. Mark Foley, but let’s not go there.)

They said it wasn’t going to happen, but outgoing Senate Majority Leader Slick Billy Frist (who isn’t a neurologist but plays one for cheap political expediency) threw a smackdown on Internet casino operators. By piggybacking it onto the Safe Ports Act, Slick Billy was able to ram through a provision that would make banks and credit card companies responsible for policing and preventing Internet gambling transactions.

Leaving aside some of the appallingly intrusive implications of having financial institutions acting like rogue police operatives, you have to wonder just how great the need for this is. After all, U.S. courts will not uphold debts incurred at online casinos, and reputable credit card firms and companies like Paypal won’t process Web gambling action, either. Note also the latticework of loopholes permitted in the Frist bill, which may be (to quote my favorite new saying) “All flash, no photo.”

Early reaction to the Frist’s back-door legislative gambit included a press release from online-poker site Pocket Fives. Its commentary on the rider included:

“This legislation is quite vague in terms of its implications on payment options for those wanting to gamble on the Internet,” said PocketFives Marketing Director Dan Cypra. “The future of Neteller and Firepay, both offshore companies, remains to be seen.”

Not so unforseen what the effect on publicly traded Internet casinos. Some plummeted by as much as 76% after the news hit. (So much for Republicans being friends of the business community.) Gambling stocks Down Under were also cratered in the wake of the U.S. Internet Gambling Enforcement Act of 2006.

So while we’re still wide open to terrorist attack (if the 9/11 Commission is to be believed), Slick Billy has safeguarded our immortal souls from DrHo888.com and its Satanic ilk. Make no mistake, solons like Frist, who is so sanctimonious he practically oozes Milk of Magnesia, are on a neo-theocratic crusade to save us from ourselves.

Gaseous, Fristian pieties like “Gambling is a serious addiction that undermines the family, dashes dreams and frays the fabric of society,” leave little doubt that our lawmakers are well on their way to legislating morality. In the wake of the Foley fiasco, they’d do better to see to the beam in their own eye rather than outlawing the mote in yours.